500 Days of Summer (#1)

Now that summer is here and life has stopped moving at 90 miles an hour, I think I may - dare I say it - stop neglecting my blog. When I made L is for the Way He Loves last year, I wanted it to be a place where I could share my thoughts, but I think too, that it must be a place where I can celebrate all that is beautiful. Today marks the first official day of my vacation, post high school grad status. On this first day of summer, I celebrate the new beginning. There's something delightfully freeing about a clean slate, a blank canvas, a whole world of unlocked possibilities. Adventure becomes tangible and, consequently, inevitable. So here's to the beautiful beginning - everybody, everything, has to start somewhere.

Loving You

It's been kind of quiet over here lately...

From the beginning I've wanted my blog to be a reflection of my walk with Jesus, sharing thoughts and happenings that have softened my heart and brought me closer to understanding a love so extravagant. The past few months have given me plenty to write about, but for some reason my inner well of creativity dried up for awhile.

My grandmother - Nanny - died in February. Her absence left this big hole that, mentally, I was unable to process at first. We were separated by an ocean for nearly twelve years, but the permanance of her death established a distance far greater than that of the Atlantic's length. When you've loved a person, admired them, treasured them, you don't really know how to package all of those feelings away.

Saying goodbye to her was one of the hardest times I had to endure - because goodbye isn't one word we whisper quietly before moving on. A goodbye takes days - weeks - to reach completion. My goodbye began with a letter I wrote on Christmas morning:

I've been meaning to write this letter for a week, would you believe...and I can imagine the look on your face when I tell you that it's 7:25 on Christmas morning and instead of opening my stocking, I'm in bed thinking of you.

It seems like so long ago that I charged around 3 the Wold, robbing Paddington of his hat and boots, fluffing up Mr. and Mrs. Bear, and feeding the fish with Granddad. It's those days though, that I cherish...because no matter how strange my new home in the States felt to me, I knew that you had a room waiting for me in the one place I belonged. And when I think about it now, all the times when I felt homesick, and trust me, there have been so, so many, it wasn't England that I missed. I was wanting the opportunity to drive with you along the bendy roads, back to your house, where I felt warm and cozy, had lots of attention, and was spoiled rotten. (You know you've been a wonderful grandparent when your grandchildren tell you that last part :)

And even now, while I desperately want to be with you, it's the memories of trundling along with the red pram to see the ponies, provisions tucked away under the baby blankets, that keep me going. The memories from all our trips - seeing that play together when Samuel and I were there, the countless hours spent in Primark for which I take complete responsibilitiy, and the quiet moments when it was just you and I, they are what I'm holding near and dear to my heart. I'll never forget one evening, it may have been when Mum and Dad were in Paris, when I couldn't sleep. I came downstairs and you made me hot milk and honey, and I asked for a story. You let me curl up next to you on the sofa and read all of Pookie's Christmas Story to me. I kept expecting you to stop at the next page and send me off to bed, but no, you read the whole thing and I couldn't believe my luck. I slept very well indeed that night.

There's something about you, Nanny, which gives me such hope and comfort. It's more than the bond of family...it's the way you've always listened and spoken wisdom into my life. It's the hugs you've given and the silly things, like the smell of your perfume and baking that make you, you. It's the generosity you've shown me, the way you've trusted in your faith, and the incredible example you've given me of what it means to be a Godly woman. I love you so much.

I'm not usually at a loss for words, but remembering all of the ways you've touched my life, and that of mum and dad and the boys has me speechless...the nurturing you've given each of us, and the inspiration that you are is going to be with us always. You've been the perfect Nanny, really, you have.

This holidy, I'm treasuring all of the blessings in my life, and you're one of the biggest. Happy Christmas Nanny with big hugs from your Anne Shirley xoxoxoxo

P.S. One day, when I'm finally ready to write and finish a book, I'm dedicating the very first one to you - for all of the stories you've read and enjoyed, for all of the encouragement you've given me, and for all of the imagination you've fostered in me. And that deserves another big hug for you - so there...did you feel it? xxx


***

My goodbye reached its end on a Friday in mid February, when, as a family, we scattered Nanny's ashes at the top of her garden. And in the month since, I've healed. I know that she is with a God who took her tenderly into his arms. I know that with the rest of my life I want to honor the woman she was. I know that her hospitality and joy are mine, too. She lives on in me - or so I've heard from numerous people. As I've contemplated life and how it goes on, even when we aren't quite ready to pick up the pieces, I've come to believe that she does live on in me. Through my writing I fully intend to share her spirit with others. She was too beautiful and courageous a woman to have her story go untold. My first book will be a tribute to her - it isn't finished yet, but eventually, I'll get there. Miss you Nanny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfUxjz6NtS8&feature=related

Traveling Woman

I am a time traveling woman. Tiptoeing through the distant echoes of paper thin memories, gently peeling back the folds of moments lost in the fabric of the past. Leafing through stacks of famous faces, I marvel at their sagacious ways; the winding roads they paved for those endeavoring to meander along in their footsteps. I hear the far off murmurings of their sorrow – a melancholy refrain of those whose mark is slowly fading. I am caught in the in-between. The in-between. The in-between. The in-between! As my eyes view, from youth’s shadowy corners, the harmony of disarray that is this modern century, I wonder why those around me have yet to question society’s motives.

For the citizens of days gone by are weeping, mournful is their tune. In yesteryear they fought with everything they had – with passion and fearless abandon – for the chance to have just one glimpse of freedom. And when she graced them with her presence, they held on tight. As hope overflowed within them, they waltzed with liberty, her slender fingers leading them closer to that shyest of creatures called peace, and she sent them spinning into the soft embrace of reconciliation. They finally tasted the pure perfection of victory – having summoned the courage to cast their stones – and as those stones soared towards promising horizons, they knew what it was to be free of great burdens. It is the pianissimo calling of their troubled voices that I hear as I lie beneath the nighttime sky. I am a time traveling woman, but in this present hour, I am caught – caught in the in-between. Standing on this deserted country road, surrounded by the murmuring grasses and the restless trees, I am waiting. I am searching for light in this darkness because I have seen the ache of the human soul and my heart breaks to know that history is repeating itself. I have traversed the course of errors and pain that defines the human race, and I’m at a loss for words as the same errors are made once more, the same pain, knocking at the innocent’s door. In the overwhelming heat of mature summer’s burn, I know those citizens of yesterday are turning in their graves, crying out in forte swells, imploring us not to venture down
overgrown paths.

In the stillness of the night, I sit, covered by the brightness of the moon, blanketed by the rain, and I inquire of the Creator just how best to right these wrongs…



The stars foretell of a generation ready for change, He says. They will rise up, from the meadows and the hills they will run, and they will come on a wave of freshest air. The wind will spur them on, scattering the sands of time along fields ripe with anticipation - I feel a revival on the edge of dawn. I am a time traveling woman, weaving together old and new, a tapestry of brightest color and desire. I feel a revival on the edge of dawn…

My Reason for the Season

Christmas time. The anticipation of giving and receiving awakened by the promise of snow, the warm glow of the fire, and the cozy evenings spent watching Christmas specials. No other season is this cookie cutter perfect...where we treasure togetherness, the love found in friendship, and the joy of spreading good cheer. Andy Williams knew what he was talking about - it really is the most wonderful time of the year.

On this December 24th, though, I am humbled. Perhaps it's just that I'm growing older and the thrill of Rudolph's inevitable arrival has lost it's appeal. Or maybe it's a result of those moments I've spent visiting the quiet places of my heart, visits that have opened my eyes to the power of compassion and the gift that is unending grace. I am humbled because I have so much and I take it for granted so often. While the world cries out for a helping hand, in desperate need of radical love, I'll sit down to a gorgeous dinner prepared by my parents - both of whom are crazy about each other. While others are barely scraping by, I'll laugh and play games with my brothers. The comfort I know is such a blessing.

I'm not suggesting that I need to become a martyr and give up the gingerbread men, the tinsel and lights, or the holiday songs I enjoy each year. It's more that for me, this Christmas is one full of unexpected surprises. And as I look around me, I'm realizing that if I take a fraction of the happiness and stability I experience during this season and share it with another, I'm capable of making a difference.

Life doesn't come neatly wrapped up in a pretty package with a nice bow on top...we deal with crappy circumstances at inconvenient times...we're challenged to make an impact when we feel that we have nothing left to give...fortunately, there's one who did come neatly wrapped up, albeit without the bow, and He is, as our culture has come to say, the reason for the season. So whether you're celebrating Christmas traditionally or striving to maintain some sense of control as your definition of holiday is altered, remember that there's hope. We find that hope in blessing others, staying true to ourselves, and by drawing near to those we cherish.

Merry Christmas :)

Taking a Breather

I think sometimes, as a girl trying to do the right thing, be the right person, and trust in the right values I get lost. Which is strange, I know. But think about it.

As far as I'm concerned, I can become so absorbed in giving myself guidelines to follow, rules to obey, and lines not to cross that I forget to give God the room to breathe in my life. His word tells us that He's all powerful, that the battles we face are His, not ours (2nd Chron. 20:15). Yet there have been multiple times when I've found myself on that battle field, trying in earnest to fight and failing. All I am reminded of in those instances is my humanity and the weakness entailed with being human. In not surrendering control to God, I'm essentially saying that I can do it - no thanks God, I've got this one, you sit back, take a day off. And who am I to take on that attitude with my Creator?

Most of the time, when I ask myself why I don't want to relinquish control, the answer is that I'm afraid. I think we all are...

That might be a fairly big judgment to make, but when it comes to life-altering decisions: school, relationships, purity, jobs, promotions etc. it's just plain hard to give Him absolute control. We want to follow His plan for our lives but there's that tiny voice deep inside that says what if it all goes wrong?

And that's sort of where I was a few days ago when I was reading John 20. God, I know you've got my future in your hands...but I have this application to do, and this school yet to hear from. I've got this situation going on here that I'm really struggling with, I don't know what to do with this person over there...how am I going to get past these next few months with all of these ends untied, and -

"'Woman, he said, 'why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?' Thinking he was the gardener, she said, 'Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.'

Jesus said to her, 'Mary'" (John 20:15-16).

I absolutely love that last line - "Jesus said to her, 'Mary'."

Mary's completely undone over Jesus' missing body. She comes to Him crying and beside herself, desperate for some answers and oblivious to the fact that all the answers she needs are wrapped up in the one man standing before her. She turns to him and in that scene, I see myself, trying to deal with my own stress. Like her, I rattle off all of my problems without pausing to listen for His direction. When he said to her, "Mary", I could feel the compassion behind that one word. It's like Jesus was saying Hey. Calm down. It's going to be okay, just trust me. I know everything you're going through but just breathe for a moment. I'm right here and I'm going to help.

Maybe I'm reading too much into that one little line...but it was one little line that really challenged me to remember the unbelievably deep love that Jesus has for us, 24/7. That sometimes, stopping and giving up control is better than trying to fix it all by ourselves. He'll give us all the guidance we need and his grace, mercy, and love have eradicated the need for us to do life by ourselves.

Creative times :)

God's challenging me in a lot of ways right now...but as I work through those challenges I find myself turning to my creative side more and more often as a way of focusing on Him and using what He's given me for good. I wrote this last week for my AP English Lit class and I saw Him in it...at least, He was on my mind while I wrote it. Enjoy :)

Into the Wind

(An Elegy for Beauty)

Let her rest, our tender, yielding Beauty,

For she bears the weight of this earth’s hunger upon her breast.

She was born a creature of innocence,

Lovely in her divine purity,

Perfect in countenance

And free from the bonds of adversity.

Captivated by soft spirits and grace,

She lingered on the petals of shy

Roses, her blush on each face,

Their every breath entwined with her low sigh.

And through worldly desire she came alive,

Hints of her light touching darkened souls

Until she no longer thrived.

Her sweet heart corrupt, the mourning bell tolls.

Encaged by human vanity, she died

Her flame engulfed by sorrow and strife,

Robbed of virtue, her pride --

She swiftly ran towards the end of life.

So bitter the taste

And painful the haste

With which we sad goodbye.

Our vainglory the reason for her cry.

Let her rest, our tender, yielding Beauty,

For she bears the weight of this earth’s hunger upon her breast.

Struggling

Just when everything in life seems to be perfect, God has a habit of throwing us a curve ball. I have been so blessed with my boyfriend - the joy he's brought me is indescribable and I love him to pieces. And yet that relationship - the one that has stood firm and been absolutely wonderful - has been damaged. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that something as mundane as school would throw us off course. But it has. Stress is a nasty little guy, and as I sit here, wanting to gorge on ice cream and unable to keep back the tears, I'm trying to think of what I did to deserve this. A little part of me says it'll all be okay and I'll look back on this time and laugh. Part of me is worried sick and clinging onto all of the memories in a desperate attempt at avoiding the overwhelming emotions.

And then part of me is humming the same song over and over again. My thoughts are all over the place tonight, but if there's one thing that I keep coming back to it's these lyrics:

Love of My life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need
Give Me your life
The lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from Me

You're My beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My Love it unites us
And it binds you to Me
It's a mystery

Love of My life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the Giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh, come running home to Me

You're My beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My Love it unites us
and it binds you to Me

Well, you've been a mistress, My wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let Me make you My bride
You will drink of My lips
And you'll taste new life

You're My beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My Love it unites us
And it binds you to Me
It's a mystery

See the thing is, I'm probably the most insecure I've ever been. But in God's word I can find comfort in knowing that when my boyfriend, husband, dad, granddad, let me down...there's a man that will take me in his arms and call me beautiful. There's a man that loves me more than anything, who gave his life for me. There's a man that will hold on tight and right now, that man is the man I'm trying my best to rely on. Because I'm his beloved and that's so much bigger than any quarrel.