Struggling

Just when everything in life seems to be perfect, God has a habit of throwing us a curve ball. I have been so blessed with my boyfriend - the joy he's brought me is indescribable and I love him to pieces. And yet that relationship - the one that has stood firm and been absolutely wonderful - has been damaged. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that something as mundane as school would throw us off course. But it has. Stress is a nasty little guy, and as I sit here, wanting to gorge on ice cream and unable to keep back the tears, I'm trying to think of what I did to deserve this. A little part of me says it'll all be okay and I'll look back on this time and laugh. Part of me is worried sick and clinging onto all of the memories in a desperate attempt at avoiding the overwhelming emotions.

And then part of me is humming the same song over and over again. My thoughts are all over the place tonight, but if there's one thing that I keep coming back to it's these lyrics:

Love of My life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need
Give Me your life
The lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from Me

You're My beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My Love it unites us
And it binds you to Me
It's a mystery

Love of My life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the Giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh, come running home to Me

You're My beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My Love it unites us
and it binds you to Me

Well, you've been a mistress, My wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let Me make you My bride
You will drink of My lips
And you'll taste new life

You're My beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My Love it unites us
And it binds you to Me
It's a mystery

See the thing is, I'm probably the most insecure I've ever been. But in God's word I can find comfort in knowing that when my boyfriend, husband, dad, granddad, let me down...there's a man that will take me in his arms and call me beautiful. There's a man that loves me more than anything, who gave his life for me. There's a man that will hold on tight and right now, that man is the man I'm trying my best to rely on. Because I'm his beloved and that's so much bigger than any quarrel.

Wednesday Woes

College. Homework. Relationships. Gah.

I'm not the only one, I know that. And it's part of growing up, I know that too. But it's all been overwhelming me profusely lately. To the point where I sat down tonight and vented. I vented to the wonderful listener that is Jesus and felt so much better. And there was one verse that kept coming to mind, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." ~Matthew 10:29-31

I've been living in a bubble-surprising for a 16 year old, I know.

That verse hit me though, woke me up to the world all around me. His plan is so far beyond me. His care trickles down through every little facet of life, all the way down to the sparrows. A tiny bird, going about her business each day, but completely reliant upon a mighty God for her next breath. We just don't think like that. But if that God has His hand upon the birds, guiding them through every day, then how much deeper is the compassion and care he has for my life? He himself says that I am worth more. And those words are ones that I will store up in this heart and remember always - because I am worth more. We all are. The trivial matters of today won't matter come tomorrow. And should there be things going on in our lives that are important, that will alter tomorrow, He'll be right there beside us, guiding our flight and making sure we land safely.

And that's a reason to smile :)

Growing up Fast

As I get older, I'm realizing that summers rarely slide by in the delightfully slow fashion I was so fond of as an adventure loving, energy filled kid. In fact, this one is just about over and I feel somewhat robbed of all the relaxation I was looking forward to.

However, time did stand still at one point...just for a minute.

Eight hours on a plane is enough to make anyone a little stir crazy and I arrived in England ready to jump onto the tarmac and kiss the ground. I probably had the disheveled traveler look going on and I remember desperately wanting a toothbrush. But as I entered the arrival lounge, having worked my way through the system of grouchy security people and the bedlam of baggage claim, my heart swelled at the sight of one particular person. I normally don't go in for heart swelling, but at that moment, I was a weepy mess of sentimentality.

I've been unbelievably blessed with the role models I have in my family-people who have encouraged me and spoken wisdom into my life...opened my eyes and been there, no matter what, selfless and patient. (Rabbit trail-I think what this generation needs more than anything right now is an overflow of good role models.) My Nanny is by far, one of the most important women in my life and she's the kind of person I've always looked up to. Coming through those airport doors and seeing her standing there, waiting for me, with tears in her eyes and this expression of the utmost excitement and anticipation on her face floored me...made me see how much we'd both needed this visit.

As I walked towards her and my Granddad, my mind was flooded with all of the wonderful memories we've shared...and when I say flooded, I mean flooded. The sleepovers, the plays, the manic driving on winding country roads, the copious amounts of chocolate, the games, and all of the firsts...from day one she was there, with an anecdote or a teddy or, in more recent years, a cup of tea. It was one of those made for movie moments, where the magic is created entirely by the emotions of the heart-cheesy as that sounds.

Time did stand still just for a little while-long enough for me to lose myself in her arms...thinner than I remembered, but still bone-crushingly tight. Long enough for me to see my granddad's eyes welling up in my peripheral vision. Long enough for me to notice the warm smiles of onlookers and feel a swell of pride at being part of the reason for all this joy.

For the next ten days, I was in a surreal world. One where my every whim was catered for, where I was spoiled rotten by two of the sweetest people I know. And while the clothes and the candies were much appreciated...my fondest memories of that time are incredibly ordinary ones...the Scrabble game I won-no easy feat when you're playing with those savvy thinkers-or snuggling under blankets and watching old TV shows I'd missed while eating rich desserts. (And trying to ignore the high calorie count.) That funny old character, time, was showing up consistently...slowing down and allowing me to relive the days of my childhood, allowing me to reconnect and remember how to cherish even the simplest of things...then, out of nowhere, pulling me back into reality.

My Nanny's had cancer for years...and that battle is one I can't fight for her-as much as I'd like to. And telling her she looks beautiful, regardless of how much hair she has, bringing up her hot water bottle to help her sleep, giving her opinions on scarves...all of that had me feeling as though I was growing up incredibly swiftly. The little girl in me - the one that had always seen her as invincible- was thinking wait, what's happening-where have you gone, you didn't used to get tired that fast. How do we make you better, please tell me how. And saying goodbye at the end of those ten days, which, now that I think about it, truly flew by, was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I tried to make it quick...I gave her the letter I'd written the night before and one last hug and then I went off...but I kept looking back...kept seeing her searching for my face among a hundred different ones...and she never did spot me...but I saw her looking...and even now, as she's struggling with the pain of an illness we never dreamed she'd have, I like to think of her, still looking, always watching...seeing each klutzy thing I do, shaking her head and smiling, laughing at my friends and I, turning every precious second together over and over in her head and reflecting on all of the changes that we've been through...

She'll always be watching out for me, and while I want to be by her side to watch over her more than anything, I trust that there is one who is bigger than all things...who can outwit even difficult characters like time, and hold her close while I can't.

Never get off the Ride

"It had been a simple misunderstanding. All I had suggested was that Jesus Christ had been a mistake, that was all: an unplanned pregnancy.
'Unplanned indeed!' screamed the vicar. 'And where did you get such blasphemous filth, you ungodly child?'
'I don't know,' I said, 'just an idea.'
'Just an idea?' he repeated. 'Do you honestly think God loves those who question his divine plan? Well, I'll tell you missy, he does not,' and his arm shout out and pointed toward my banishment. 'Corner,' he said..."
(When God was a Rabbit pg. 9)

I'm not one for violence. I like to consider myself a fairly levelheaded person. But just as I was getting engrossed in Sarah Winman's debut novel yesterday, I found the above passage she had written. Having become hooked, I now know that this occurrence was one of many that shaped a young girl's faith, or lack thereof, in God. However, I can honestly say that I want to smack that vicar in the face. Hard. (Something that might prove difficult given the fact that he only exists on the page.)

I suppose my desire to exercise what little force I have in my arms comes from an even stronger desire to do the same to the very real vicars in my own life. In my humanness I see those people as needing a wake up call...as being misled or stubborn. See the thing that really angers me about that vicar is the pedestal he's put himself on. I found one of those generic quotes online the other day that explains what I'm trying to say: Christians aren't perfect, they're just saved.

I don't mind admitting that there have been days when I've had my own doubts about God's plan...I've questioned Him and His purpose for me and I've wondered what if there's something else for me? But that doesn't make me ungodly. I'm not perfect -no Christian is. Heck, no human is. We have fears, we have burdens, and we have inner struggles.

The beauty of Christianity is that at the end of the day, there's someone we can take all of those fears, burdens, and inner struggles to. I know that if I go to Him and say hey, today's been a rough one. I know you're there, I just need some assurance right now, He'll give it to me. As one of my pastors so wonderfully said, (don't you just love when somebody else's words are there to help at just the right time?) We can have doubts/fears as we get on the ride, but the important part is that we never get off it. Provided we're set on seeing the journey through to completion, He'll be there to ensure we make it.

So take that vicar.

Hello World

There was a time when I was perfectly content to stay within the comfort of my mum's arms - free of worry, full of comfort, and surrounded by her warmth. There was a time when I was perfectly content to sit on my daddy's shoulders and view everything from up there - safe from the monsters under my bed, the insults of mean girls, and the reality that life can be messy.

And then I grew up. The dolls and stuffed animals were shelved, sitting there like benched team players, temporarily forgotten in the midst of new circumstances: high school, a cell phone, boys, spats with best friends etc. As I approached freshman-hood I no longer wanted to settle for the cozy confines of the nest I'd grown up in. I wanted to embrace being a teenager and experience the world for myself.

But as I prepare for my last year of high school (tear) I realize that I don't particularly like most of the world that I've experienced. As someone who is developing a relationship with her creator, learning how to love like He loves, I cringe at the selfishness, the greed, the lust, and the hatred that fills the atmosphere around me.

So I've made the decision to join the 21st century in this new fan-dangled thing called blogging as a way of reflecting on who I am, what I'm learning, and who I want to be. I'm blogging in order to share my thoughts and opinions, and I'm blogging because there's something everyone should understand - that the key to a life full of wonder and satisfaction is in loving, "...the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." ~Mathew 22:37 If our world could get that...wow what a place it would be. So hi world wide web. Prepare for the heartfelt ramblings of Amy.